Butler's Journal

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Butler's Journal

Below are the 15 most recent journal entries.



	2002.11.17 21.52 how did I end up here? Party immense fun; everyone so kind. Was just thinking perhaps shouldn't be drinking quite so much, when suddenly the floor jumped up and hit me in the face. Hope Igor's not still watching through window, as this most undignified position might give him ideas I shouldn't care to contemplate. On the plus side, floor is very clean. Damn if I don't do a superb job! Mental note to self: ask for raise in the morning. Hopefully will have figured out how to unwind limbs and get up off of floor by then. Mood: dazed and confused



	2002.11.14 09.54 Ooh! PARTY! Long-lost Eberbach heir so much more entertaining than young Master Klaus! Seems to approve of my new name and fuzzy pink sweater; will have to thank Mr. Bonham for that! New young Master Vickie quite a charming and appealing sort; if only it weren't for off-putting bald spot on the back of his head. Regardless, gave me evening off and invite to the party, so am off to fetch keg of beer and pizza for hungry masses. Wonder if invitation extends to Mr. Bonham? Will have to ask young Master Vickie about it. Party will be so much fun! ...oh, dear, have bad feeling that Igor's spotted me... Mood: nervous



	2002.11.12 10.59 Worse and worse... Young master Klaus has arrived... but... have never seen him so overwrought! Should probably have taken pictures of him for Mr. Bonham, as it's not often one sees him weeping or throwing himself on the library floor and kicking his hands and feet in classic tantrum. Have decided to wait until later to mention new name. Now is probably not the best time.



	2002.11.12 10.54 Oh, dear, oh, dear... Whatever shall I do? Young master has not yet returned, but another young gentleman, bearing a striking family resemblance if I do say so, arrived at the Schloss a short while ago. Says he's a missing heir to the Eberbach family and insisted I escort him to his rooms. Have given him rooms across hall from young master Klaus's for the time being, as have no polite way of enquiring as to which of them is the true heir and which is the spare, so to speak, and therefore am forced to place them in equal-status rooms. Have strong suspicion young master Klaus will not approve, regardless, but what is a poor butler to do? Have decided am tired of being addressed as "Butler." Will have to speak to young master Klaus about addressing me by new chosen name of "Percy." Rather like the sound of "Percy," now that Mr. Bonham's got me used to it. Mood: flustered



	2002.11.11 17.56 long time, no update... but a rather precipitous series of events prevented my having access to journal for a time. Luckily, the young Master did not notice that The Button had been pushed. Unfortunately, the young Master returned from Alaska in a worse temper than ever, and his constant railing about Spikes, Russians in his pants, and cucumbers has me fearing for his sanity. He called a short while ago, demanding that I open the Nescafe vault. Luckily, that charming agent of his, Herr A, came by to pick up the Nescafe and bring it to the young Master; this way I did not have to venture outdoors and risk being spotted by Igor. Yes, Igor has been most pernicious since the gentleman's gentlemen's party at Lord Gloria's house. Who knew a simple game of Spin the Bottle could prove so disastrous? No time for further updates; young Master will return soon. Hope that emergency supply of Nescafe did the trick. Mood: anxious



	2002.03.07 11.00 Thursday, March 7th 11:00 AM. Received dozen roses. Card says, "Thank you for last night" and is signed "I." Funny. Do not recall sending myself roses... Mood: puzzled...



	2002.03.07 10.00 Thursday, March 7th 10:00 AM. Bonham's party was tremendous success; best part about having party with other butlers is that everyone helps tidy up before leaving for the evening. Spent quite a long time chatting with Wadsworth; odd fellow, that. Asked him how his employer, Mr. Boddy, is faring, and he smiled strangely and replied, "haven't got a Clue!" and then started to laugh. Nice enough chap, but odd. Was teamed up with Lurch for "charades;" must say we make a formidable team, despite his tendency to shout out single-syllable answers. Seem to recall pitying looks from others, but have no idea what that was all about. Probably let slip that young master demands that I sing "Mary Had a Little Lamb" for him every night before he sleeps. Hope I didn't say anything about THE BUTTON while I was inebriated! Mood: HORRIFIED! O.O;;;



	2002.03.06 20.30 Wednesday, March 6th Igor came back with wine faster than anticipated. The horror! THE HORROR! Would rather push THE BUTTON again than face... Igor over spinning bottle!!! Need another drink; with any luck, will be able to obliterate it from my memory. Luckily, there is now plenty of liquor. Mood: HORRIFIED! O.O;;;



	2002.03.05 19.00 Tuesday, March 5th. 7:00 PM Feeling v. much better after lovely nap, and relieved that apparently disturbing bare-bottomed Bonham memory was figment of booze-riddled imagination! Other than wincing every time he sits, Bonham behaving just as always. Well, aside from occasional haunted look, but I attribute that to the videotape, which was indeed what I thought I remembered, and not just booze-riddled figment. Certainly haunts me. And who knew Lord Gloria was so flexible? V. sorry that Igor did indeed R.S.V.P., but as we've already made impressive progress toward emptying out wine cellar, should be no problem to get him to go out for more wine while rest of us play "Spin the Bottle." Hoorah! Must say Lord Gloria's place is perfect for party; decorations coming along swimmingly. Cannot wait for tomorrow evening! Mood: hungover, or still drunk



	2002.03.05 11.00 Tuesday, March 5th. 11:00 AM Mosel wine lovely. Z maneuvers. Button. Bonham such a lovely chap, and v. understanding and kind... Wonder if he has hangover remedy? Need to clear my head, and see that tape again. Surely can't be what I think I remember... if it is, will definitely need to get drunk again. Somehow remember Bonham calling me "sweetums" and "Erica" before dropping his pants, and myself replying that "Erica" sounded better than "Percy." Surely... Need hangover remedy. Or more wine. Mood: hungover, or still drunk



	2002.03.04 15.00 Monday, March 4th. 3:00 PM Have been following Bonham around in zombie state for past hour. Hope he doesn't think I'm always such a bad conversationalist, but honestly, if he'd seen what I've seen, he'd be shaken, too! Who knew the young master was so... kinky? Unfortunately, am still stunned enough that I hardly know what I'm doing. Have no idea how I ended up with pink angora sweater!!! Though, do have to admit it looks v. fetching with my skin tone. I draw the line at having my hair bowl-cut, though! Am taking some consolation in young master's mysterious videotape, which I had foresight to bring with me. Have now pushed mysterious "don't push this or I'll rip your fucking intestines out through your ass and strangle you with them" button and survived, and am convinced that nothing can surprise me. Bonham and I have plans for lovely meal and then will watch video together. Am eaten up with curiosity to know what's so compelling about Herr Z's maneuvers! Alas, did not realize Bonham had Spin-the-Bottle in mind for the party! Perhaps we'll be lucky, and Igor will decline the invitation. Or, if all else fails, we can "accidentally" run out of wine and send him to buy more while we play the game. Is good to be here! Only hope I don't have nightmares about mysterious "don't push this or I'll rip your fucking intestines out through your ass and strangle you with them" button. Mood: stunned, but a little better



	2002.03.04 09.00 Monday, March 4th. 9:00 AM Yesterday morning, finally broke down resistance of guilty conscience, and pushed the mysterious "don't push this or I'll rip your fucking intestines out through your ass and strangle you with them" button. The horror! The horror! Shan't be able to speak of it, even here in privacy of journal! After almost 24 hours of being rooted to the spot in utter shock, have finally begun packing for trip to visit Mr. Bonham. Mood: STUNNED! O.O;;



	2002.03.03 14.00 Sunday, March 3rd. 2:00 PM Received phone call from Bonham, lovely chap. Was a bit rattled when phone rang, as my finger was hovering over mysterious "don't push this or I'll rip your fucking intestines out through your ass and strangle you with them" button at the time. Answered phone after heart resumed beating. Bonham throwing a party, should be smashing good time. Promised to invite Lurch, Cadbury and Wadsworth, and asked help with preparations which am only too delighted to give. Always get on well with him, even if he is employed by raspberry seed in young master's wisdom tooth. Oddly, Bonham enquired after anonymous, nondescript package which only just arrived. No idea how he could have known we'd be receiving one. Distressing part of conversation occurred just after that; Bonham asked my name. Admitted that, as both the elder and younger Eberbach have called me "Butler" for many years, it seems that I've forgotten my own name. Bonham suggested "Percy," to which I strenuously object. Younger Eberbach would pitch a fit the like of which has never been seen, if he had a butler with such a foppish name - to say nothing of the Graf's reaction! Was quite distressed at idea of getting invitation addressed to "Percy," but promise of Earl's pre-surgery photographs cheered me up considerably. For that, will tolerate being called "Percy!" What to do now? Watch videotape, or try mysterious "don't push this or I'll rip your fucking intestines out through your ass and strangle you with them" button? Think I'll flip a coin. Mood: daring...



	2002.03.02 11.15 Saturday, March 2nd. 11:15 AM Young master heading off to Alaska; elder Eberbach still out of country. Gave rest of staff week off and now have entire place to myself. Yay, me! Spent part of the morning dancing around, wearing nothing but shirt, socks, underwear, and a pair of the young master's sunglasses. Play a mean air guitar, if I do say so myself. This afternoon, might play with the young master's tank. Have always wondered what would happen if mysterious "don't push this or I'll rip your fucking intestines out through your ass and strangle you with them" button were pushed. Young master need never know... and yet, clearly he wishes that button to remain un-pushed... Or, might have a peek at mysterious videotape that had the young master so absorbed. Temptation is unbearable! Mood: terribly curious!



	2002.02.28 17.30 Thursday, February 28th. 5:30 PM Yesterday was a day of historically unprecedented foul mood on young master's part; luckily the elder Eberbach is travelling out of country. Will have nightmares tonight, just thinking of the fireworks if the Graf had witnessed his son having girlie hissy fit of astronomical proportions. Thankfully, young master has retired to his room for the evening with some kind of videotaped evidence. Am intensely curious - what could he possibly find so absorbing about a videotape of NATO officer Z doing maneuvers? Mood: curious

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